Sunday, November 29, 2015

My Thoughts...

I have been blessed, beyond measure, with many friends. Some I know personally and can walk up to them and hug them, while (most) others I know only through the experience of exchanging letters, cards, e-mails, comments on this blog (or on their own blog) and through other social media means. No matter how you know me, or I you....I count you as my friend and I try (very hard) to get to know each and every person that wants to have a friendship with me in a personal way. Many times I receive e-mails about how a person feels about my blog, or about me. Wonderful words of gratitude and friendship and I find myself in tears thinking on most occasions (if not all of them): I am so unworthy of such accolades.  Like I said, blessed seems all too inadequate of a word when I am the recipient of so much kindness. I truly am humbled by it all. I sincerely hope that each one of you, I count and consider my friends, know that.

Although I have all that I described above (and more), I all too often am sent negative e-mails. Ones that pass judgement, are critical or maybe e-mails/notes that didn't mean it as negatively as I took them. Written word is often hard to decipher as you cannot see the face, mannerisms or interpersonal communication cues from the person delivering the "message".

I'll be the first to admit, I have a very thin skin. It is a personal flaw ~  I carry my feelings on my sleeves ~ and I am aware of this. Although I may get many positive e-mails/comments, one negative word can crash my fragile feelings. Or like the old adage - one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel. People don't believe this but,  I do receive a large number of negative feedback type of messages and it often is from fake accounts. It also seems that negative e-mails/comments comes at certain times and believe it or not ~ it seems to follow full moon phases. I know from working in healthcare that the most weird happenings in a hospital are often on full moon phases. So are negative feelings and the machismo to send those feelings to some unsuspecting person.

The full moon phase began this past week (Nov. 25)...and just like any other month I received a rasher full of sour grapes. Although I try to tell myself not to take it to heart, I do take it to heart. I'm getting better, getting more like Teflon, but I'm human and I have flaws and it hurts.

I think what hurt me most about this round of sour grapes is: Its the week to be THANKFUL in the United States and I have been working, thinking, dreaming up what I'm going to share for the 25 Days of Christmas with The Twisted Stitcher and to get "hate mail" just burst my bubble of giddiness.

I don't have a lot of "me" time. In fact its relatively zero. So to pull something off like the 25 Days is a huge time commitment. But to do it the way I want to do it is overwhelming. I put a lot of thought, time and effort into it because, if you haven't noticed by now, I don't do small and I don't do mediocre.

I put my entire heart into everything I do. That's how God made me.
 Do I get it right every time? NO WAY.
 Am I perfectly adjusted and filled with confidence? Absolutely not.
I am flawed and imperfect and HUMAN.
I try and I fail.
I flounder and I flop.
But what I do try to do is: be non-judgemental and pick myself up and start again.
I try to BE the change I want to SEE.
Those just aren't words I sign at the end. I honestly try. Hard.

While I decide if I'm going to do the 25 Days of Christmas with The Twisted Stitcher, please know that I thank you for reading my blog. I thank you for reading this post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for following me and wanting/caring about how I feel, what I do, what my family does, etc.

I share...because I care.
I have disabled comments for this post because I'm not writing this to get my "ego" stroked. I'm writing this to express something that has bothered me for a very long time ~ years in fact.
So many people ask why other bloggers have stopped blogging or thrown in the towel. It is not hard for me to wonder why, because it is something I contemplate about doing myself.

On this first Sunday of Advent my prayer is for guidance in choosing to do the will written for me in the stars. We will see...
~Vonna