My heart is sore...and I'm at a bit of a loss. As I was driving around today doing my errands that have been on hold for a week, it struck me that I have to have something to cleanse my spirit and to fuel my fire. I realized in that moment it was writing. See, that is one of the best things that I can do. It is a God given talent of mine, I start writing and it flows and makes sense. I don't understand it - people ask "how?" and I don't have an answer. My words just happen. Through my life my writings have entertained, they have educated, they have informed, they have even been the nonsensical musings of a 38 year old wife and mother. But the words, the feelings, the emotions that my words may evoke in others are mine. Yes, those are mine.
I could go....on and on feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for Ben, but I won't because that is not what I should do. No, what I should do is bring Ben's story to you, so that he can change you. He has changed me. He has changed mine. Ben was a troubled youth - how could he not be when he was born into a home of a mother that was less than adequate at caring for him and his needs. He had to be a fighter to survive the conditions he was forced to live under. He was brought to my Aunt at 20 months old. She adopted him. From that point on....he was ours. We never thought of him as an outsider, as someone else's, he was our baby. We loved him with our whole hearts. At the age of 13 his Mom was taken from him by breast cancer. But even before that time, while my Aunt was sick, he lived with my Mama. Again, he was ours. Last week, seven days from this day, our baby was taken from us, but he lives on. He lives on in the bodies of three people that had no hope. He lives in the bodies of three people that were praying for a miracle. Praying for life. Ben lost his life, to be their miracle. Ben was an organ donor. He donated his organs, his bone and his tissue to help those in need. I urge you today to make sure if you feel like you would like to be an organ and tissue donor for those that are awaiting the gift of life, that you sign up to be one. Tell your family, tell your friends your wishes - for we never know the hour or the time. Ben didn't live a long life but he lived a full life. He brought love, peace and happiness - yes, always smiles and happiness - to those that knew and loved him.
I don't know...what the future holds for me, I don't know when I'll get back to every day living, I don't know when my needle and thread will hold appeal for me or comfort me. But I do know one thing. Whatever and however this blog will be incorporated into my life it will also incorporate my Christianity. To be a person of faith, to be one that loves and believes in a life after this life - has almost become like a four letter word in this world in which I live. But in order to "know" me fully and embrace me, you have to also understand my devout Christian feelings that I hold in my heart, in my mind and in every fiber of my being. I was born a Catholic, raised a Catholic and will forever hold in my heart, mind, body and soul the love of my Lord and Savior. For this gift given to me from my parents, I rejoice! This is who I am. Yet, I was sort of hiding, sheilding the truth from this blogging world because I was afraid. Afraid, that people knowing I was Christian would set me up for ridicule. Would not come to my blog because of my beliefs. But you know what? I care not. I am not here to indoctrinate you, never that. Indoctrination comes from your own heart. But perhaps reading my words, may help someone. May touch someone in need. Perhaps even bring hope to those that are hopeless. Time will tell.
A bit of a break....is always good to refresh the mind and spirit. Kind words offered in friendship and love is salve to a wounded soul. I need those and will need them in the upcoming days. I want to sincerely thank those of you that took the time out of your busy lives to write to me. Your words sent to me a bit of sunshine on a very cloudy day. Wise people say in times of trouble and unease that your true friends are shown, and that seems to hold true. My true friends were shown and stepped up to the plate to offer their words and friendship to me. For that I shall be eternally grateful - for I read those words as a starving man eats bread. Gobbling them up to fill a hole so wide, so deep, so dark, I hardly knew what would fill it. The hole is still there - maybe not so wide, maybe not so deep, maybe not quite as dark, but it is ever present and I expect it will be for a time to come. But I'm filling it up! I'm filling it up with prayers, with scripture and with the kindness of others. This gaping hole will soon be filled and just a little mar on the distant horizon - never to be forgotten - but not as raw and unyielding as in past days.
Until next time....whenever that may be....I ask you to take a good long look at your own life. I try to do that from time to time, and if you have been a follower of this blog - you know that I do this. I'm my own best critic. I've been ashamed of myself many times in my life, taking the easy road rather than climbing the hard one, listening with ears wide open rather than turning my ears away, speaking ill when I should have kept my mouth shut, being judgemental when I know not what someone is going through or what got them to that point.
If you take anything away from this verbal flood, please take one thing....live your life, live it well, live it good, never give up and never look back with things left undone. Ben didn't leave anything undone, he left no stone unturned and I won't either.